All The FeelsReflections

New Year’s Eve has me like?! I guess I would say it has me feeling all the feelings. It has me honoring the memories, yes even the ones from when I was in active use.

I don’t know about you, but for me I associated New Year’s Eve and honestly every other holiday as it’s time to party!! This is even well before I had a substance use problem. I remember my first holiday being sober, Halloween 2016.

I was “locked” in Loyola inpatient and plotting my escape. The craziest part is I really wasn’t locked in there, I could walk out the doors at anytime. I felt trapped though. I was a few weeks into my recovery. I knew the only way to control myself from picking up a substance was to stay right where I was. Thankfully I stayed in this place I, at the time, considered a prison.

The next big challenge for me was New Year’s Eve. This time I was sober on the outside. I wasn’t protected by the walls of the inpatient building. I wanted to party, it’s what everyone does right?! I was still so early into my journey that I didn’t, couldn’t comprehend that people could just party without a substance and have fun! Let me tell you it is MORE than possible. It didn’t happen overnight, quite frankly it took about a year at least for me to see and feel the joy in the celebrations and holidays without the stack load of crappy consequences which was a huge bonus!

I still think about the fun I had consuming drugs. I can’t blindly look back and NOT acknowledge that truth.  I loved my drugs so much I would have died, did die a few times for them. I just learned to love myself more than them.

So wherever you are at right now; Still actively using, exploring harm reduction, recovering from whatever, just know it will be okay, YOU will be okay! Your journey will never be perfect, but it will be wildly fun, messy and beautiful! You CAN party your ass off without nodding out, blacking out and ending up in the holding cell for the night. If you need to cry, cry. If you need a hug bring it on in to the one nearest to you ( or come see us at RAW tomorrow for one ) and mostly have fun, celebrate year two of surviving a pandemic within a pandemic.

My last wish for you, whomever is reading this, is that you know you are loved and are important. That i hope this next year is everything and more than you could imagine. Happy New Year’s my friends

Love Always; all ways,

Neff

5 Comments

  1. Thank you for sharing, Stephanie! The more we can talk about the mindset of substance use disorder, the ultimate purpose of harm reduction, and how beautiful the outcomes really can be (you are a shining example!) when people are offered individualized solutions and open arms instead of judgment and shame. Love you so much, my darling friend <3

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